the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
