I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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