Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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