O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
