Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
