dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
