I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
