so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Let's get the cat blown out
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
