Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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