I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
