eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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