I am midnight drunk by noon
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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