I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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