I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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