I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
