Don't you send me to vm
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
