you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I want a musical about memes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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