did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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