I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we're making bets on your personal life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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