She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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