I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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