I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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