Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
