I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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