Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize