I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
