onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
