That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
