Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
