good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
