Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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