Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
