By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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