After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need to sanitize my soul.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
