I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The uberlube is also flammable
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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