gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize