I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
