life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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