I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize