She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
