i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
