Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
