I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize