I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
