Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
