Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
