Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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