I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
