she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize