why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
