I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize