Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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