you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
