Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
