Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
