i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
