Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
