That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
