Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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