I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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