i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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