i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
