If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
