You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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