I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
