i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
