I murdered the dance floor call the cops
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
