were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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